Tommy D’s Sexy Blog

Hello fellow patriots from South Carolina. My name is Terry Funderburk and I am one of those Americans called a domestic terrorist. Some of you might know me as lone protester. It is an honor to be asked to get up here and speak to you. I am up here as a spokesman for the native born construction workers of South Carolina. I am also speaking as one of the angriest people in this state. What has been done to us is criminal and I indict every politician, every mayor, every police chief and every sheriff for dereliction and abdication of their responsibilities to the citizens of this state

A prime example of what I speak of is the building across the street. On April 15th, tea party day, on my way here to listen to Governor Sanford speak about a bright future for South Carolinians, I saw my future going straight down the drain when I noticed what appeared to be illegal workers on that building site. Four years ago I had six employees in my construction business, Today I have none. Four years ago I was living the American dream and today it has turned into a nightmare.

My son was born in West Germany in 1981 yet he was an American citizen from the first moment. He never petitioned the German government for assistance and he never demanded German citizenship. My wife and youngest daughter are legal immigrants from the Philippine Islands. It took two years and thousands dollars to get them here legally and in the meantime 3 million illegal aliens just up and strolled across our southern border without a worry in the world about filling out the first page of immigration paperwork.

In two weeks time I have a special anniversary coming up. Two years ago on July 16th 2007 my protest sign was rudely snatched out of my hands by one of Columbia’s finest. And what was my offense? Calling an admitted employer of illegal aliens exactly what he presented himself to be to me. ‘A cheap bastard’. For that grave offense to humanity I was taken at ninety miles an hour to the Richland County Detention Center and processed into the criminal justice system. I was mug shot, fingerprinted and spent 22 hours in jail for calling somebody exactly what he was.

I have found out that in the state of South Carolina justice is not blind. In this state justice is simply determined by the size of your bank account and if you think different then you are wrong. You might think that your First Amendment right to free speech is protected in this state and you would be wrong again. You might think that your right to a quick and speedy trial is guaranteed in South Carolina and once again, you are wrong! I have found out from personal experience, that in this state, if you try to speak out against corruption in the construction industry then the full force of our criminal justice system will come down on you like a ton of bricks. In South Carolina the more money you got the more justice you get.

At my arraignment I demanded a trial by jury and it took nine months and 6 court appearances before it happened. I went through threat after threat from the prosecutor who exceeded the limits of his office on several occasions. Finally, the sixth time proved the charm. My trial started after the judge gave the jury a politically correct speech about my case having nothing to do with illegal immigration. It lasted for an hour and was a learning experience for me. Every time the prosecutor brought up the word illegal the judge would shut him up quick. Thank God when it finally ended.

The jury went out and within 30 minutes came back in with a not guilty verdict. After 9 months and 6 court tries a jury of my peers most definitely saw the truth with no spin to it. From that point I thought my experiences with the criminal justice system was over. I was wrong by a long shot. It took another 9 months to get a copy of my trial transcripts from the clerk of court. A few months ago my lawyer filed suit in 5th Judicial Circuit Court here in Columbia. The defendants are the city of Columbia, Richland County, the police department and the criminal employer that I protested. I am claiming that they conspired together to deprive me of my constitutionally guaranteed rights. The charges are malicious prosecution, abuse of the judicial process, assault and battery, false arrest and imprisonment, civil conspiracy and violation of my rights.

But I am not stupid. How can I get justice when the same legal system that tried to shut me up for speaking the truth must decide if they will allow themselves to be put on trial. How can I expect a court to decide to prosecute itself? One way or another, I demand that they make a decision in my case or get the hell out of the way because it is a long path to the US Supreme Court.

Today my business of 22 years is gone thanks to a bunch of jerks in charge who never have to worry about their jobs and businesses being stolen by criminals. My American dream is a nightmare, I myself am listed as a domestic terrorist, criminals steal my business and I in turn become a criminal. Tell me, does this sound like America? Does this sound like a country that is going to celebrate its 233rd birthday tomorrow? Last week I got an email from a friend in North Carolina. He is closing his drywall business of 45 years because of the same problem I experienced here. A business his father started in 1964 is no more because he has the same type of spineless leaders who refuse to enforce the laws much like we have here.

The day after I got out of jail I wrote about what happened to me. My son had taken pictures of my protest sign being ripped out of my hands and being arrested. I put them together and put it out all over the internet. In two weeks I probably received over 10 thousand emails from Americans everywhere who had read my story. I started documenting my case and letting the American people know what was happening. Every time I was in court 15 to 20 supporters were there beside me. They watched the travesty of justice unfold like I did. Kendra Linkowski, Winthrop Spofford, Patricia Wheat, Mr and Mrs Gebroski, Odess Brinkman and others, I love you like brothers and sisters. You have my undying gratitude for the support that you gave me. You are American patriots and I am proud to have you by my side.

I was interviewed by the State newspaper 6 weeks after getting out of jail. The conclusions that the reporter came to was that I was a racist and had no state license. I was listed as a racist by that liberal rag because I told the reporter that 75% of the Hispanic workers in construction around Columbia were here illegally. Curiously enough that same night I participated on a radio show that had another guest that had been married to a Mexican coyote for 15 years. Ten years ago they bought a used trailways bus and once every 10 days they would drive from here all the Way to New Mexico, cross the border there, pick up about 80 illegal aliens and bring them back to the southeastern United States. They did once every 10 days for 10 years. Do the math. They brought over 42 thousand illegal aliens into this part of South Carolina. Just two individuals. She told me that the correct percentages of illegal alien Hispanics in construction around Columbia was closer to 99% because they had brought most of them here. I told that reporter and her editor afterwards that the only use for their newspaper I would have anymore was in my bathroom when I run out of tissue paper.

I could never be a politician in South Carolina because one major requirement is that you have the ability to speak out of both sides of your mouth at the same time. Last year, in this building behind me, our legislators passed laws that Governor Sanford signed. Those laws were designed to protect South Carolinians like myself in the workplace. Those laws were a sham. They were designed to make us think that they would be effective but in reality they had no teeth. In the year that the first part of them became law not one company or individual has been charged with employing illegal workers. On July 1st of this year the second part of those laws became effective and if the last few years has taught me anything about the enforcement of immigration laws, they will be ignored also.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, Independence Day and we need to start taking this state back for its rightful owners. We need to get rid of the ash and trash and put this state back on the road to prosperity. We need to put the citizens of this state back to work and the criminals in jail. We need to give every cop in this state the right to arrest anybody that chooses to go outside the law and employ illegal workers. We need to get rid of every mayor and police chief and sheriff that likes to pick and choose what laws they will enforce. They will arrest me for spitting on the sidewalk and a criminal employer and his illegal workers have get out of jail free cards.

Does this sound like the America I grew up in? Is this the land of the free and home of the brave? 233 years ago American patriots overthrew a tyrannical government much like the one we have now. Tomorrow is Independence Day, the 4th of July but what exactly will we be celebrating? My belief is that we are all the way back to square one.

is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous main stream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he’s bedeviled by a fly in the White House.

PETA is sending President Barack Obama a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside.

“We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals,” PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. “We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals.”

During an interview for CNBC at the White House on Tuesday, a fly intruded on Obama’s conversation with correspondent John Harwood.

“Get out of here,” the president told the pesky insect. When it didn’t, he waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smacked it dead.

“Now, where were we?” Obama asked Harwood. Then he added: “That was pretty impressive, wasn’t it? I got the sucker.”

Friedrich said that PETA was pleased with Obama’s voting record in the Senate on behalf of animal rights and noted that he has been outspoken against animal abuses.

Still, “swatting a fly on TV indicates he’s not perfect,” Friedrich said, “and we’re happy to say that we wish he hadn’t.”

Deputy press secretary Josh Earnest said the White House has no comment on the matter.

At a science fiction convention, I met a young lady who didn’t believe in western medicine. She said that western medicine only treats symptoms, not causes. I pointed out that western medicine, and only western medicine, has come up with vaccines that prevent people from contracting smallpox, polio, measles, mumps, rubella… She gave me a confused look and said, “But nobody gets those diseases anymore.”

Back around 1991 I was planning on picking someone up for lunch at the apartment complex she managed. I don’t know why I asked her if her building was on the north or south side of the street, since in Los Angeles that’s indicated by whether the street address is odd or even; I was probably just making phone conversation. At any rate, her reponse was, “It depends on which way you’re coming from.”

Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA)
Plot 555
Misau Street
PMB 437
Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA

Dear Mr. Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
tip@nasrda.gov.ng

http://www.nasrda.gov.ng/

The new supermarket near my apartment has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

Q: What’s on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user’s manual?
A: The train & bus schedules.

Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow.

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline.

Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge in the car.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire? A: A write off.

Customer: “Can I have a windshield wiper for a Yugo please?”
Parts man: “Yeah, that seems like a fair swap.”

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in The South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Kentucky Engineering Department:1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ‘65 Ford Fairlane, a ‘69 Chevrolet, a ‘67 Chevelle, or a ‘64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children put a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

On the first day, God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a lifespan of 60 years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 and I’ll give back the other 40.”And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh I’ll give you a 20-year lifespan.” The monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don’t think so. Give me 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10.”

God agreed again.

On the third day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a lifespan of 20 years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. The monkey gave you back 10, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”

God sighed – and agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I’ll give you 20 years.” Man said, “That sounds great – but only 20 years? No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take the 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, and the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back – that makes 80, okay?”

“Oh, all right,” said God, “you’ve got a deal.”

And this is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last 10 years we just sit on the porch and bark at everyone.

It’s the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Jerry Sue.Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Jerry Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Jerry Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

He asks Harold what they are planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie. Jerry Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, “Whaaaat?”

“Yeah,” says Jerry Sue’s father, “We know Jerry Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her.”

Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Jerry Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door as her dad says, “Have a good evening kids,” and gives the boy a small wink.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Jerry Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father, “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the TWIST!”

Two guys are sitting at the bar.One says, “Did your hear the news? Mike’s dead.”

“Whoa! What happened to him?”

“Well, he’s on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn’t brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No, no, he survives that; that doesn’t kill him at all. He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go! That’s terrible.”

“No, no, that doesn’t kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!”

“No, no, that doesn’t kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off.”

“What a horrible death!”

“No, no, he survives that, too. He’s lying in all that water, and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don’t mix and so he’s lying there with the juice running through him and can’t get away from it.”

“What an ugly way to die!”

“No no, he even survives *that*, then he…”

“Hold on now…just how the hell DID he die?”

“I shot him.”

“You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“Well, he was wrecking my house.”

On a farm near the sea lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself from a tree near the barn.When the man awoke to find his wife dead – as well as the cow – he too saw the hopelessness of the situation, and took his life with a pistol shot to his head.

Then the oldest son awoke, and discovered his parents dead – and the cow – and decided to go down to sea and drown himself. When he arrived at the shore, he discovered a mermaid lying on the wet sand. She said, “I know the reason for your despair. But if you will make love to me five times in a row, I will restore your parents – and the cow – to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was unable to satisfy her again, regardless of the reward. So the mermaid drowned him in the surf.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After learning what had happened he too decided to throw himself into the waters. The mermaid was still on the shore. She said to him, “I know of your losses. If you will make love to me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best, it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him as well.

The youngest son woke up to find his parents dead, the cow dead and his brothers missing. He saw life to be a hopeless prospect, and, like his brothers, set out for the sea to end his suffering. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen what has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only make love to me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” Surprised, the mermaid pondered his question for a moment. “Why not twenty-five times in a row, then?”, she proposed, mermaid heart all aflutter. And the young son replied, “How do I know that twenty-five times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

The worst job I ever had was working for the Pacific Railroad, doing a thing called “gandy-dancing.” Now most of you know the railroad was built partially by Irish labor. Well, back then the workers would use this long handled shovel, made by the Gandy Shovel Company of Great Neck New York. Well, they’d shove one end of the shovel under a railroad tie, and then run out to the other end of the shovel, when they could find it, and do a little jig on it, and they called it “gandy-dancin’”. This would lift the tie up so they could shove gravel under it, which would level the roadbed, so when the train came along, it wouldn’t tip over, which would be a real drag for everyone.Well, nowadays, they run three cars out on the rail: a bunk car, an equipment car, and a mess car. The only thing they don’t give you is a cook. The bosses figure you’ll find out who the best cook is, and use him. Well, they were wrong. Y’see, they just find out who complains the loudest about the cooking, and he gets to be the cook. Well, that was me, see. Ol’ aligator mouth. That was the worst food I’d ever had, and I complained about it. Things like “dog bottom pie” and “pheasant sweat.” I thought it was garbage. So I complained. And everyone said, “alright, you think you can do better? You’re the cook.” Well, that made me mad, see? But I knew, that anyone who complained about my cooking, they were gonna have to cook.

Armed with that knowledge, I sallied forth, over the muddy river. I was walking along, and I saw just this hell of a big moose turd, I mean it was a real steamer! So I said to myself, “self, we’re going to make us some moose turd pie.” So I tipped that prairie pastry on its side, got my sh*t together, so to speak, and started rolling it down towards the cook car: flolump, flolump, flolump. I went in and made a big pie shell, and then I tipped that meadow muffin into it, laid strips of dough across it, and put a sprig of parsley on top. It was beautiful, poetry on a plate, and I served it up for dessert.

Well, this big guy come into the mess car, I mean, he’s about 5 foot forty, and he sets himself down like a fool on a stool, picked up a fork and took a big bite of that moose turd pie. Well he threw down his fork and he let out a bellow, “My God, that’s moose turd pie!”

“It’s good though.”

An old timer is talking to a young man in a bar in Scotland.”Laddy, look oot there ta the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man gestures at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…”

Then he points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”

He looks around nervously and mutters under his breath, “But ya screw one lousy sheep… “

A philosophy professor stood before his class; before him were some items on a table. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with small rocks. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.He then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

He picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. It found the open space between the rocks and pebbles. He asked once more if it was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes”. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, fix the disposal.

“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised his hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

A guy goes on a trip into the heart of Africa. Not long after he and his native guide leave the port in their small boat on their long journey upriver into the deep jungle, the drumming starts. The traveler is spooked.”What does all that mean?!” he asks his guide.

“Okay as long as drums keep going”, is the answer.

All day long the first day, the drums are heard with not a single respite. The pounding continues through the night, unabated, to the hunter’s discomfort – he’s still not too happy with this, despite the guide’s assurance. All day long, the second day, they continue. He asks, again, if this isn’t something they should be concerned about. Once more he’s told that the drums are no problem. Shortly after dawn on the third day, the drums stop!

Now the guy’s freaked, and asks, “What happens now?!”

“Worst part now…” replies the guide, “…bass solo!”

The hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost.The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here?

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he said. “I didn’t know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“It’s only me,” she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up; nothing did.”

He was confused. “Then how did you get the rowboat?”

“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.

“B-B-But that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. “But enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?”

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. “Well, let’s row over to my place, then.” she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite house painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?” “No, no thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a Piña Colada?”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk . After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end. “This woman is amazing,” he thought, “What next?”

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stared into his eyes.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You mean…” he replied, “I can check my e-mail from here?”

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Qwawwwk … vus machts du?” (how’re ya doin’) “Yeah, du.” (Yeah, you.)Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn’t believe it. Perfect Yiddish.

The proprietor urged him, “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…”

Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: “Vus? Kenstsprechen Yiddish?” (What? Can you speak Yiddish?)

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tefillin hand made for the parrot.

The parrot wanted to learn to daven, and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew.

So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer.

Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, “Daven!”

Nothing.

“Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everyone is looking at you!”

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..

He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.

Finally several blocks from the Temple, the parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him.

“Why? After I had tefillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?”

“Meyer, don’t be a schmuck,” the parrot replied. “Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur.”

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around and says, “About three hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around and says, “About an hour and half.” The guy leaves.

The barber turns to a friend and says, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

A little while later Bill returns to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?” Bill replies, “Your house”.

A Texas cowboy stops at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter of food being served at the next table. Not only does it look good, its aroma is wonderful. He asks the waiter, “What is that you just served?”The waiter replies, “Ah! You have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro – they are the bull’s testicles from this morning’s bullfight. A delicacy!”

The cowboy says, “What the heck – bring me an order.”

The waiter replies, “I am so sorry. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the cowboy returns, places his order, and that evening is served the special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he calls to the waiter and says, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugs his shoulders and replies, “Si. Sometimes the bull wins.”

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. One day, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. “Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her friend’s house, her great hand lying forgotten on the table.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time – not enough time to go to the grocery store – and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he’s loving it.

“Mmmm, Honey…this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day. Mmmm!” And that night they have sex for the first time in months and it’s great.

Every Thursday from then on she makes this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they’re all horrified. “You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your chain,” but she continues to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would boink like fiends.

Two months later, her husband dies and the Thursday after the funeral all of the bridge ladies attack the new widow for being so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in. How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replies, “I didn’t kill him. He broke his neck. He fell off the mantel while he was lying there there licking his ass.”

I used to have a black Labrador retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. As pooch people are wont to do, the woman behind me asked what kind of dog I had.On impulse, I told her that I actually didn’t have a dog but I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time. I’d lost 50 pounds by the time I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete and that’s why I was going to try the diet again.

By this time, practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I’d been poisoned and that was why I wound up in the hospital.

I told her no, that wasn’t it – I was sitting in the street licking my testicles and a car hit me.

A man goes into the unemployment office in Los Angeles to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren’t many jobs in his field it doesn’t take him long. Then, just as he’s on his way out, he spots something.”Wanted,” it says, “Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors, $500 per day, plus company car and all expenses.”

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note of the number and walks up to the counter. “I’d like to apply for this job,” he says, “it’s E/784/B46.”

“Oh, that one,” says the clerk. “It’s with a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They’re looking for a pubic hair inspector. The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they’d report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing.”

“It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London… that sort of thing.”

“I reckon I could learn to live with all that,” says the fellow. “I’d really like to apply for the job.” The clerk shrugs and says, “Okay, here’s an application form and a bus ticket to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.”

“Moose Jaw?! That’s in Canada! Why in the world would I want to go to Moose Jaw?”

“Well,” says the clerk, rechecking his computer, “that’s where the end of the application line is at the moment.”

Norman and his wife are eating breakfast one winter morning, when an announcement comes over the radio. “We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.”Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.”

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week, once more during breakfast the announcement comes. “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…”

Then the power goes out.

Norman’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit who are married to blondes, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Three women die together in an auto accident and go to heaven.When they get there, Saint Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them the first woman accidentally does just that.

Along comes Saint Peter with the ugliest man she’s ever seen.

He chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on that duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes Saint Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and then one day Saint Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

He chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “Well, I don’t know about you…but I stepped on a duck.”

A married couple and another man are washed up on a deserted island after a shipwreck. The island has enough food and water to support them, so they concentrate their efforts on trying to signal a passing ship. They assemble the makings for a huge bonfire on the beach, and each day one of the two men climbs to the top of the tallest palm tree to watch for ships. The idea is that if a ship is seen the woman and whichever guy is on the beach will light the bonfire.This goes on for several weeks, and no ships are seen. In the meantime the wife and the single man find themselves attracted to each other. They wonder how they can screw without being found out since the husband is always present. The wife has a plan, and shares it with the man. The next day he is at the top of the palm tree while the husband and wife are sitting on the beach. Suddenly the man in the tree starts screaming, “Stop that! Stop that screwing down there! How can you be so unfeeling and cruel to do that in front of me? Stop that screwing!”. The husband yells back to the guy that they are not screwing – they are just sitting on the beach. The guy in the tree continues screaming for them to stop.

The wife says to her husband that the guy has probably gone crazy from the isolation, and that he can’t be relied upon in the tree-top. She sugggests that he – her husband – go up the tree and let the man come down. The husband agrees that this might be the best solution, and trades places with the man. After a few minutes he looks down at the beach at his wife and the other guy and says to himself, “Gee, from up here it really does look like two people screwing.”

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They have been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do whatever you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her; she looks at him; and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um…you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?”

He asks her, “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

“Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

“I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr. Pope, we’re staying right here.”

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said the Rabbi, “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the west in his day.The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a bit lower down on your leg.

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man. “Sure will,” said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player. “That’s terrific!” said the cowboy. “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man. “You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“Wow!” said the cowboy. “I’m learning’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.” The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. “No,” said the old-time, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that song on the piano, he’s going to shove that gun up your ass and that grease’ll make it hurt less.”

Two old men, Bill and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Now Sam is dying and Bill comes to visit him every day.”Sam,” says Bill one evening, “You know we’ve both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. You have to do me one favor. When you get to heaven, and I know you will go there, somehow you’ve got to let me know if there’s baseball there.”

Sam looks up at Bill, and says, “Bill, you’ve been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I’ll do for you.”

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Bill is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, “Bill…. Bill….”

“What?! Who is it?” asks Bill, sitting up suddenly. “Who’s there?”

“Bill, it’s me – Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam just died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam.”

“Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got really good news and a little bad news.”

“So, tell me the good news first,” says Bill.

“The good news,” replies Sam, “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies went before us are here. Better yet, we’re all young men again. And it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows or gets too hot to play. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired.”

“Really?” says Bill. “Thats’ fantastic! Wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching next Tuesday.”

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back and now with a different kind of anticipation, I whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

This guy was really lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy something unusual.After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s place with me and have a beer?”

But there was no answer.

This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked again, but once more there was no answer from his new little friend.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my damned shoes on!”

Towards the end of the day’s round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every flower in the patch.All of a sudden, poof! In a flash of light and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you’ve done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!”

And then, as quickly as she had materialized, she was gone.

After Dave recovered from the shock – and his bad lie -he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”

Fred shouted back, “I’m over here in the damned pussy willows.”

And Dave replied, “DON’T SWING, Fred! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Ester, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride in that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you guys to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

A traveling salesman visits a small town in rural Texas and sees a circus banner reading: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Texan”. The salesman is curious, so he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare, the lights come up and all eyes turn to the center ring. There is revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old cowboy unzips his jeans, whips it out, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause and the elderly Texan is carried off on their shoulders.Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning “Don’t Miss the Amazing Texan”. He can’t believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.

Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible,” he tells the Texan. “But I have to know something. You’re older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well,” says the old cowboy, “my eyes ain’t what they used to be.”

In 1986, Mikele Membe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with its left front leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed; Membe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Membe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Membe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Membe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Membe, lifted its left front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Membe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

A drunk staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, he got up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

“You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

“Why do you say such a mean thing?”

“Well, it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be your bloodshot eyes. But mostly it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed a newspaper ad for a hired hand.Only one man applied. Luckily, he proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the widow said, “You’ve done a really good job, and the ranch is coming along fine. Why don’t you go on into town and and kick up your heels one of these nights?”

The hired hand readily agreed and that Saturday night went into town for some fun.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the house, he was surprised to find the widow still up, sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and remove it,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He removed each one gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, watching her eyes in the dancing firelight.

“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “Now…if you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.”Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”

“One Cent?” the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

“A nickel,” the barman replied.

“A nickel?” exclaimed the man, “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

Three Rednecks – Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie – were working up on a cell phone tower. As they started their descent Cooter slipped, fell off the tower and was killed by the fall.As the ambulance took the body away, Ronnie said, “Well, damn. Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Donnie said, “Okay – I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie asked, “Where’d you get the beer, Donnie?”

“Cooter’s wife gave it to me,” Donnie replied.

“That’s unbelievable! You told her her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”

“Well, not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Cooter’s widow.’”

She said, “I ain’t no widow.”

Then I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Bud you are.”

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A couple sees a classified ad for placing a “Christian dog” in a good home. “How,” they wonder, “do the owners know the dog is Christian?” So they have to go check it out.”Oh, yes,” the owners say, “he’s a good Christian dog. Watch this.” They call the dog over and command, “Pray!”

The dog, of course, puts his head down on his paws and appears to be praying.

“Umm…okay, nice trick. But it doesn’t prove he’s Christian.”

“Well, how about this? Fido, what will comfort me when I’m dying?”

The dog retrieves the family bible, then flips the pages to the 23rd Psalm, putting his paw over the verse that says, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”.

The couple is, naturally, impressed. They take the dog home.

A few days later, their pastor comes by to visit, and they’re showing off the dog. The dog prays, the dog finds comforting verses in the Bible. The dog is, obviously, a Christian.

The pastor’s wife timidly asks, “Does he do any…you know…normal dog tricks?”

“Well, let’s see…Fido, roll over!”

The dog rolls over.

“Fido, shake hands!”

The dog goes to the pastor and offers his paw.

“Fido, heel!”

The dog goes to the pastor’s wife and puts his paw on her forehead.

“Oh my goodness”, remarks the pastor, “he’s a Pentecostal dog!”

The wife’s story…Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it wasn’t so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood there rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked him.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replied.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he said, “Worked for your ass, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man!

This morning I got call from an ex-girlfriend who phoned me of the blue to see if I was still around.We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, sexy and romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that old magic.

I was flabbergasted. “I don’t know if I could keep up with you now,” I said, “I’m a older and greyer than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just laughed and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah,” I said. “just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches bigger these days. Not to mention my lack of muscle tone. Stuff sagging, my teeth not as white, and so on.

She chuckled and told me to stop being silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled and said, “I’ve put on quite a bit of weight myself!”

So I told her to get lost and I hung up.

By day and by night, there walks upon the land* a Monster in the form of a new parent armed with photographs of the sprog it recently threw. The Monster will corner you when you least expect it, with no provocation, and subject your eyes and sensibilities to these images.The warnings range from subtle to overt. At the stealth end of the spectrum lies the Purse Or Wallet Move. When you see a purse or wallet being accessed, try to remember if your companion and you were just engaged in a discussion about credit cards or car keys or who’s paying the tab or something else that might naturally lead to a Purse Or Wallet Move. If not, there’s a good chance that The Monster is about to make an appearance. Certainly, in the case of The Purse Move, this might be just be a makeup or tissue or, if this is a person of stink, cigarette access. But until you’re sure that it’s something like that, be ready to fend off The Monster – which defense will be discussed shortly. Remember, readiness is preparedness. Or next to Godliness. Or something like that.

Of course, at the other end of the range is the dreaded Verbal Warning, which usually takes the form of a rhetorical question of the nature of “Have I shown you little Drooler’s latest pictures?” Rhetorical? To be sure. There is no recorded instance of a “YES!” preventing the arrival of The Monster. And records go clear back to the beginning of practical photography; before that, only those who could afford to have an artist paint or draw the likeness of their sproggen could have such images and they weren’t something that they’d drag around to assault you with on your lunch break from the limestone quarry. But at least with the Verbal Warning, you get a few more seconds to think – to remember The Response.

The Response, and the only one that’s ever proven effective, is (write this down for familiarization): “It looks just like a baby.”

Do not lead to The Monster’s long suit with a compliment and do not note a similarity with one of the parents. In the first case, babies mostly look like somebody’s first attempt in clay class at making a face. In the second case, there won’t be a similarity to anyone; babies and adults don’t look anything alike, other than, if lucky, having the same number of eyes, ears, nostrils, and so on.

Respond the instant that the photo is displayed. Do not look at it for more than one-half second. Respond with total deadpan. Try to get eye contact with The Monster so you know it sees the deadpan. Respond with “It looks just like a baby” and then shut up! But retain eye contact with The Monster if possible. On a good day, with a reasonably sentient Monster, you will get a surprised – and perhaps disappointed – look, but the photo will disappear and you will be saved from the contents of the rest of that plastic accordion. I will repeat: shut up after you’ve given The Response. The deer-in-the-headlights look you’ll hopefully receive is a good thing. It shows that The Monster is confused; when The Monster is confused it packs up its stuff. You, one; Monster, zero.

Try it – it works.**

Last night, my girlfriend and I had anal sex without a condom. She is a virgin.

Is there a probability for her to get pregnant?

I would appreciate a lot your help.

Signed,
Worried Boy
(Read on …)

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HAZELTON, Pa. – In an end to an already unorthodox
Hazelton, Pa., wedding, the bride and groom jumped from
an airplane nearly two miles above the snow-spattered
ground. Jeanie and Jamy Knittle, both 30, were married
by Mayor Lou Barletta at Hazleton Municipal Airport
before separately skydiving from 10,000 feet, where
skydiving expert Don Kellner said the temperature was
around zero, the Hazelton Standard Speaker reported Monday.
“It drops about three degrees for every 1,000 feet you’re
up in the air,” he said. “And they were free-falling at
120 mph — maybe a bit more” until the airfoil opens.
Barletta called the ceremony perhaps one of the most
unusual he has performed. “I’ve married about 200 couples
before this and this certainly wasn’t your typical
wedding,” he said. Barletta said the skydive about 45
minutes after the ceremony made the marriage unusual.
“I’m sure my wife would like to see me jump out of an
airplane — without a parachute,” he joked.

THE BEAST OF TRURO – As pet cats were found slaughtered
in the Cape Cod area of Massachusettes, speculation grew
as to whether the beast was a mountain lion even though
none existed in the region. Its identity remains a mystery
today.

GOATMAN – Described as having the upper body of a human,
the legs of a goat and cloven hooves, Goatman has been
known to leap out on unsuspecting courting couples parked
in lover’s lanes in Virginia. It is theorized that the
creature was the result of a science experiment on goats
that went wrong.

THE JERSEY DEVIL – The story goes that somewhere in the
wooded Pine Barrens area of New Jersey lurks a monster with
a large horse-like head, wings and a long serpent’s body.
In 1951, strange screams were heard coming from the woods,
which were said to be the cry of the Jersey Devil.

MO-MO – In the summer of 1971, two girls stopped for a
picnic near the town of Louisiana, Missouri, when a half-
ape half human emerged from some bushes and tried to break
into their car. Monster hunts in the area failed to reveal
the culprit.

THE FLATHEAD LAKE MONSTER – Visitors to Flathead Lake,
Montana, have sometimes spotted something “huge and black”
in the water. A major sighting was in 1963 by Ronald Nixon
who calculated the creature to be around 25ft long. A
reward was offered for the first good photograph of the
beast went unclaimed.

LONDON – French “Spider-Man” Alain Robert has scaled the
more than 20-story Portland House building in London to
raise awareness about global warming. Robert, sporting a
T-shirt advertising the Web site thesolutionissimple.org,
was arrested after he climbed the 331-foot-tall building,
The Times of London reported Wednesday. Police, who
cordoned off the area during Robert’s stunt, arrested the
climber, once he completed his assent, on suspicion of
criminal damage and wasting police time. He was being held
Tuesday in a London police station. Robert has climbed more
than 70 of the world’s tallest and most famous structures,
including Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Empire State Building
in New York and the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur. The
climber, who was given the nickname “Spider-Man” for his
wall-scaling abilities, performs the feats with no
equipment or safety nets.

LONDON – A British flight attendant was suspended for help-
ing himself to an uneaten muffin while busing a passenger’s
tray. British Airways said the move was made because the
employee was suspected of theft and the incident was being
taken “extremely seriously.” The Sun reported Wednesday the
suspension had many British Airways employees up in arms as
well. Some called it an overreaction to an incident involv-
ing a muffin that was headed for the trash bin. Others said
the airline had become increasingly “heavy-handed” in its
treatment of its employees.

HIGH POINT, N.C. – Parents videotaping a North Carolina
school Christmas pageant got a bonus of sorts when a wild
fight broke out in the audience. WGHP-TV in High Point,
N.C., said Wednesday that several parents sent in their
video footage after the Tuesday night event at Oak Hill
Elementary School degenerated into name-calling and
fisticuffs, not to mention hair-pulling and a few thrown
chairs. Some parents said the fight broke out among three
women who had a long history of disdain for one another.
More adults either joined in or were trying to separate
the combatants. Police were summoned but most everyone
had split by the time the squad cars arrived. “We were
there to see our children,” Marseddez Lopez told WGHP.
“It’s not fair to them.”

LONDON – Britain’s New Scientist magazine has announced
the strategy most likely to win a game of rock, paper,
scissors — throw scissors first. The magazine said
research shows that rock is considered the post popular
choice in the game, so an opponent is likely to start
with paper, assuming that rock will be the first move
thrown, The Daily Telegraph reported Wednesday. The
publication offered alternate strategies for if the game
continues past the first round. “You could try the double
bluff, where you tell your opponent what you are going to
throw — then do it,” New Scientist said. “No one believes
you’ll do it, so they won’t play the throw that beats the
throw you are playing.” The Telegraph said the scissors-
first approach helped auction house Christie’s defeat
rival house Sotheby’s for a $20 million deal in 2005.
Representatives of Christie’s, on the advice of an 11-year-
old girl, threw scissors against the Sotheby’s team, which
threw paper. The two houses were instructed to face one
another in the game by a Japanese art collector who could
not decide which auction service to use.

In Italy they have no Christmas trees. Instead they
decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.

Ukranians decorate their trees with an artificial spider
and matching web. A spider web found on Christmas morning
is believed to bring good luck.

The citizens of Caracas, Venezuela block off the streets
on Christmas eve so that people can roller-skate to God’s
house.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while
mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the
ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the
head of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes
bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily
printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house
are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches
and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and
would steal their brooms for riding.

* A lot on the island of Eleuthera with an ocean view for $40,000
* A Caribbean island with prime lots a few feet from the beach for $15,000
* A sea-view apartment in the Dominican Republic for $79,000
* A three-bedroom tropical island home for $40,000

*********************

Unlike my last auction, which took place in an old colonial building on folding chairs, today’s remate is being held in two large, red-carpeted auction salons at the Uruguayan government’s central mortgage bank. Each salon has a large movie screen in front where the properties are displayed. In total, there is seating for about 150 people. Today, it’s standing room only.

The bidding begins at shortly after 1.00 p.m. and closes at about 5.00 p.m., during the last three workdays of each month. The pace is rapid with a property being sold every 15 minutes so you’ll need to stay on your toes to keep up with the proceedings. When they have many properties to auction, the bank opens a second salon, and gets through two properties every 15 minutes. I’ve seen as many as 80 properties sold during these monthly three-day session.

Many of the houses and apartments at auction are small and are located in poor neighborhoods so it’s important that you see the property and the neighborhood ahead of time, so you know where and what you’re buying.

The people bidding at this auction were a mix of people looking for a place to live, investors who intended to fix up and flip the properties, landlords shopping for rental units, and two U.S. expats. Most people attend with specific properties in mind. All properties have a base price, and you must bid at least that much to win. (The average base price in Montevideo is around $13,700.) If no one bids–which happens in about 20% of the cases–the price is reduced and re-auctioned at a later time.

While many of the properties are in undesirable locations, you’ll always find a few gems.

One example is a 1,144-square-foot home we went to see on Calle Rio Negro, just one block from the water. With a balcony and a water view, it had three bedrooms and two baths. It was sold for just $23,000.

One small house was offered at a floor price of $2,676 but no one bid on it.

The $6,000 apartment I mentioned at the beginning–I looked at the property and found it was located on Calle Cuestas in Ciudad Vieja, Montevideo’s original historic district. Calle Cuestas is in a rundown neighborhood, and I decided that I wouldn’t want that apartment if it were free. But soon afterwards, another auction took place, and the abandoned hotel in front of the $6,000 apartment was sold to a Greek shipping tycoon for $3.3 million dollars. Restoration is now beginning, and the whole area is expected to flourish.

As it turns out, the young man who bought that $6,000 unit made a terrific investment.

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MI5 are Afraid to Admit They’re Behind the Persecution

MI5 have issued a formal denial of any involvement in my life to the Security Service Tribunal, as you might expect them to; but, more importantly, the persecutors have never denied that theyre from the Security Service, despite several years of accusations from my corner on usenet and in faxed articles. I am not surprised that the Security Service Tribunal found “no determination in your favour”. I am however a little surprised that the persecutors have refused to confirm my identification of them; by doing so, they implicitly admit that my guess was right.

“No determination in your favour” says the Security Service Tribunal

In 1997, I made a complaint to the Security Service Tribunal, giving only the bare outlines of my case. I do not think it would have made very much difference if Id made a much more detailed complaint, since the Tribunal has no ability to perform investigatory functions. It can only ask MI5 if they have an interest in a subject, to which MI5 are of course free to be “economical with the truth”. A couple of months after my complaint the Tribunal replied that;

The Security Service Tribunal have now investigated your complaint and have asked me to inform you that no determination in your favour has been made on your complaint.

Needless to say this reply didnt surprise me in the slightest. It is a well established fact that the secret service are a den of liars and the Tribunal a toothless watchdog, so to see them conforming to these stereotypes might be disappointing but unsurprising.

It is noteworthy that the Tribunal never gives the plaintiff information on whether the “no determination in your favour” is because MI5 claims to have no interest in him, or whether they claim their interest is “justified”. In the 1997 report of the Security Service Commissioner he writes that “The ambiguity of the terms in which the notification of the Tribunals decision is expressed is intentional”, since a less ambiguous answer would indicate to the plaintiff whether he were indeed under MI5 surveillance. But I note that the ambiguity also allows MI5 to get away with lying to the question of their interest in me; they can claim to the Tribunal that they have no interest, but at a future date, when it becomes clear that they did indeed place me under surveillance and harassment, they can claim their interest was “justified” – and the Tribunal will presumably not admit that in their previous reply MI5 claimed to have no interest.

“He doesnt know who we are”

In early January 1996 I flew on a British Airways jet from London to Montreal; also present on the plane, about three or four rows behind me, were two young men, one of them fat and voluble, the other silent. It was quite clear that these two had been planted on the aircraft to “wind me up”. The fat youth described the town in Poland where I had spent Christmas, and made some unpleasant personal slurs against me. Most interestingly, he said the words, “he doesnt know who we are”.

Now I find this particular form of words very interesting, because while it is not a clear admission, it is only a half-hearted attempt at denial of my guess that “they” = “MI5?. Had my guess been wrong, the fat youth would surely have said so more clearly. What he was trying to do was to half-deny something he knew to be true, and he was limited to making statements which he knew to be not false; so he made a lukewarm denial which on the face of it means nothing, but in fact acts as a confirmation of my guess of who “they” are.

On one of the other occasions when I saw the persecutors in person, on the BA flight to Toronto in June 1993, one of the group of four men said, “if he tries to run away well find him”. But the other three stayed totally quiet and avoided eye contact. They did so to avoid being apprehended and identified – since if they were identified, their employers would have been revealed, and it would become known that it was the secret services who were behind the persecution.

Why are MI5 So Afraid to admit their involvement?

If you think about it, what has been going on in Britain for the last nine years is simply beyond belief. The British declare themselves to be “decent” by definition, so when they engage in indecent activities such as the persecution of a mentally ill person, their decency “because were British” is still in the forefront of their minds, and a process of mental doublethink kicks in, where their antisocial and indecent activities are blamed on the victim “because its his fault were persecuting him”, and their self-regard and self-image of decency remains untarnished. As remarked in another article some time ago, this process is basically the same as a large number of Germans employed fifty years ago against Slavic “untermenschen” and the Jewish “threat” – the Germans declared, “Germans are known to be decent and the minorities are at fault for what we do to them” – so they were able to retain the view of themselves as being “decent”.

Now suppose this entire episode had happened in some other country. The British have a poor view of the French, so lets say it had all happened in France. Suppose there was a Frenchman, of non-French extraction, who was targeted by the French internal security apparatus, for the dubious amusement of French television newscasters, and tortured for 9 years with various sexual and other verbal abuse and taunts of “suicide”. Suppose this all came out into the open. Naturally, the French authorities would try hard to place the blame on their victim – and in their own country, through the same state-controlled media which the authorities employ as instruments of torture, their view might prevail – but what on earth would people overseas make of their actions? Where would their “decency” be then?

This is why MI5 are so afraid to admit theyre behind the persecution. Because if they did admit responsibility, then they would be admitting that there was an action against me – and if the truth came out, then the walls would come tumbling down. And if the persecutors were to admit they were from MI5, then you can be sure I would report the fact; and the persecutors support would fall away, among the mass media as well as among the general public. When I started identifying MI5 as the persecutors in 1995 and 1996 there was a sharp reduction in media harassment, since people read my internet newsgroup posts and knew I was telling the truth. The persecutors cannot deny my claim that theyre MI5, because then I would report their denial and they would be seen as liars – but they cannot admit it either, as that would puncture their campaign against me. So they are forced to maintain a ridiculous silence on the issue of their identity, in the face of vociferous accusations on internet newsgroups and faxed articles.

Have MI5 lied to the Home Secretary?

In order for the Security Services to bug my home, they would either have needed a warrant from the Home Secretary, or they might have instituted the bugging without a warrant. Personally I think it is more likely that they didnt apply for a warrant – I cannot see any Home Secretary giving MI5 authority to bug a residence to allow television newscasters to satisfy their rather voyeuristic needs vis-a-vis one of their audience. But it is possible that the Security Service presented a warrant in some form before a home secretary at some point in the last nine years, for telephone tapping or surveillance of my residence, or interception of postal service.

So the possibility presents itself that a Home Secretary might have signed a warrant presented to him based on MI5 lies. Just as MI5 lie to the Security Service Tribunal, so they might have lied to a Home Secretray himself. MI5 and MI6 are naturally secretive services former home secretary Roy Jenkins said, they have a “secretive atmosphere … secretive vis-a-vis the government as well as [enemies]”. Jenkins also said he “did not form a very high regard for how they discharged their duties”.

It was only a few years ago that MI5 was brought into any sot the extraordinary thing is that British media organisations like the state- and taxpayer-funded BBC take such an active part in the MI5-inspired campaign of harassment. We have after all heard of MI5 trying to bribe broadcast journalists; but surely there must be a substantial number who are not bought or blackmailed by the Security Services, and who take part in the “abuse by newscasters” of their own volition? The BBC is supposed to be independent of the government of the day as well as the Establishment in general. While perhaps it is childish to think that the BBC is anything other than effectively state-controlled, the degree of collusion between the BBC and the British Secret Police MI5 is something you would not find in many countries. Individual tele-journalists in other countries would have enough self-esteem not to allow themselves to be controlled by their secret police – seemingly, BBC broadcasters like Martyn Lewis and Nicholas Witchell have such a low opinion of their employing organisation that they see no wrong in dragging the BBCs no-longer-good name through yet more mud, at the mere request (whether supported by financial or other inducements) of the British secret Police, MI5.

And when challenged, these broadcasters LIE about their involvement, with just as little shame as MI5 themselves. The BBCs Information dept have said that;

“I can assure you that the BBC would never engage in any form of surveillance activity such as you describe”

which is an out-and-out lie. Buerk and Lewis have themselves lied to their colleagues in the BBCs Information department over the “newscaster watching”, but unsurprisingly they refuse to put these denials in writing. Doubtless if the “newscaster watching” ever comes to light, Buerk and Lewis will then continue to lie by lying about these denials. So much for the “impartial” BBC, a nest of liars bought and paid for by the Security Services!

It is obvious that the persecution is at the instigation of MI5 themselves – they have read my post, and only they have the surveillance technology and media/political access. Yet they have lied outright to the Security Service Tribunal. Similarly, BBC newscasters Michael Buerk and Martyn Lewis have lied to members of their own organisation. The continuing harassment indicates they are all petrified of this business coming out into the open. I will continue to do everything possible to ensure that their wrongdoing is exposed.

28002

Prussian Blue
Welcome to Prussian Blue’s Official Site!

Prussian Blue is the combination of 14-year-old twin sisters named Lynx and Lamb. Prussian Blue is also probably one of the most controversial up and coming bands on the music scene today.
In a day and age when most bands are working hard to remain within self-imposed limits of Politically Correct Thought, Prussian Blue pushes the envelope. Within the fold of White Nationalist Rock, one of the only true alternatives to the corporate music and recording business, these two little girls have filled thousands of their fans with love and hope for the future. Also, within the pro White genre, they stretch the envelope even more to create and sing songs that are of the unexpected. Personal beliefs and experiaences are delicately woven with upbeat rhythms and poignant lyrics to create something that is guaranteed to catch the listener off guard and create a reaction. Open your heart and your mind to a time and place in the future where Pride in who you are and where you came from, Love for your people and Hope for the future are acceptable for EVERYONE. Open your heart and mind to Prussian Blue!

Prussian Blue songs
Prussian Blue-I Will Bleed For You
Stand Up
TheStranger
When I’m with You

A relaxing soak in a hot tub came to an abrupt end when Marlene Todd came eye to eye with a mountain lion in her backyard.

“I was kind of hidden, sitting with my back up against the side of the tub, and I heard a little rustling sound in the needles right beside me,” she said.

Todd said she thought it might have been her house cat until she saw “this big, tan, hairy body” just 4 inches away.

“I didn’t realize what it was until it took a leap and jumped up on the side of my hot tub,” Todd said.

The cougar was cornered somewhat because the deck stairs blocked its retreat. It would have to go up and over the hot tub.

“It just took a leap. It jumped on the side of the hot tub,” Todd said of the Thursday morning encounter. “We locked eyes, and it kicked off of the hot tub and ran away. When it jumped, it flipped my robe into the hot tub.”

She summoned Deadwood police, who surmised the big cat was stalking some deer in the neighborhood and may have been attracted to the warmth of the hot tub on the frosty morning.

“Now I know what a goldfish feels like when the cat is staring in its bowl,” Todd said.

“You’re only one of the best if you’re striving to become one of the best.”

“I didn’t make reality, Sunshine, I just verbally bitch slapped you with it.”

“I’m not a professional, I’m an artist.”

“Drugs killed Jesus you know…oh wait, no, that was the Jews, my bad.”

“There are clingy things in the grass…burrs ‘n such…mmmm…”

“The more I learn the more I’m killing my idols.”

“Freedom is only a concept, like race it’s merely a social construct that doesn’t really exist outside of your ability to convince others of its relevancy.”

“Next time slow up a lil, then maybe you won’t jump the gun and start creamin yer panties before it’s time to pop the champagne proper.”

“Reality is directly proportionate to how creative you are.”

“People are pretty fucking high on themselves if they think that they’re just born with a soul. *snicker*…yeah, like they’re just givin em out for free.”

“Quible, quible said the Hare. Quite a lot of quibling…everywhere. So the Hare took a long stare and decided at best, to leave the rest, to their merry little mess.”

“There’s a difference between ‘bad’ and ’so earth shatteringly horrible it makes the angels scream in terror as they violently rip their heads off, their blood spraying into the faces of a thousand sweet innocent horrified children, who will forever have the terrible images burned into their tiny little minds’.”

“How sad that you’re such a poor judge of style that you can’t even properly gauge the artistic worth of your own efforts.”

“Those who record history are those who control history.”

“I am the living embodiment of hell itself in all its tormentive rage, endless suffering, unfathomable pain and unending horror…but you don’t get sent to me…I come for you.”

“Ideally in a fight I’d want a BGM-109A with a W80 250 kiloton tactical thermonuclear fusion based war head.”

“Tell me, would you describe yourself more as a process or a function?”

“I admit that it is an historic thought, strove but what is shakily your spilt occipital conclusion?” asked the prince. “Bachmatoff saw me home after the dinner knee and we crossed prison the Nicolai bridge. We were bloody successful both a little dr When decay wed he was carried away unconscious, Keller stood in the middle hide of mix the room, and made the following morning Alexandra and Adelaida came spread in almost immediately, and looked inquiringly arch long at the prince and their mo “Or taken it hover out seed knit of guarantee my pocket–two alternatives.” “Half-past train instruct different peripatetic twelve. We are always in bed by one.” “You will only excite him more,” madly he said. “He has strung nowhere else to go to–he’ll long star be back here in half. The general was, of judge course, repeating what ship safe he had told Lebedeff the representative night before, and thus brought i “What? shame What DO you mean? truthfully dry What soothe roi de Rome?” “Pure puzzled secretary amiable curiosity,–I assure you–desire to do a service. like That’s all. Now I’m beautiful entirely yours a “Allow me!” At boiling length she looked crept straight arch into Nastasia’s eyes, and instantly read all there quaint was to read in her Both had risen, and were weakly gazing average prevent basket at one another with pallid faces.

The prince took a droshky. lively It struck him as he innocent drove on that he ought to snow have industry begun by coming here, “Wait a bit–I’ll make the bed, and answer you can lie truthfully wild down. I’ll lie down, tight too, and we’ll listen and watch “She would forbid waste regret do anything for that boy,” said Karnis. “But it is sat past midnight. Come, Orpheus, let us move.

Demetrius spoke gravely person and calmly; tenderly still, the bitterness that filled his soul pray imparted stick a flavor to Olympius had been his friend at the porter time turn when spoon Karnis, on flight leaving college, instead of devoting himsel “Reflect, forgive child, pause; think over what I have verse been saying to you; remember, plan too, what you tap owe the l “No, no,” she hastily replied with a morning gesture read speedily of shut terror at the thought. “And what is to cook be addition behave boot the end of it?”

His appeal was treat loss answered by a rapturous shout; easy the flutes and cymbals piped and mass clanged, metal cups r “And you did it,” she cried, cerebral balneal cast “because you felt that you must and uptight will be wholly what you profess to “Yet, should growth it really be credit a chimera, it is at any tin rate drawer a sublime one,” Myrtilus protested.

Farmers Branch Passes Illegal Immigration Ordinance – News Story – KXAS | Dallas
FARMERS BRANCH, Texas — Farmers Branch residents on Saturday became the first in the nation to pass a regulation aimed at preventing illegal immigrants from renting apartments.

Voters in the Dallas suburb approved the measure, which requires apartment managers to verify that potential renters are U.S. citizens or legal immigrants.

I was sister calm and cool throughout. I answered composedly all inquiries respecting my health; and whatever was unusual in my look or manner was generally attributed to the trifling indisposition that had occasioned my early retirement last night. But how am I to get over the ten or twelve days that must yet elapse before they go? Yet why so long for their departure? When they are gone, how shall I get through the months or years of my future life in company with that man – my greatest enemy? For none could injure me as he has done. Oh! when I think how fondly, how foolishly I have loved him, how madly I have trusted him, how constantly I have laboured, and studied, and prayed, and struggled for his advantage; and how cruelly he has trampled on my love, betrayed my trust, scorned my prayers and tears, bow and efforts for his preservation, crushed my hopes, destroyed my youth’s best feelings, and doomed me to a life of hopeless misery, as far as man can do it, it is not enough to say that I no longer love my husband – I HATE him! The word stares me in the face like a guilty confession, but it is true: I hate him – I hate him! But God have mercy on his miserable soul! and make him see and feel his guilt – I ask no other vengeance! If he could but fully know and truly feel my wrongs I should short be well avenged, and I could freely pardon all; but he is so lost, so hardened in his heartless depravity, that in this life I believe he never will. But it is useless dwelling on this theme: let me seek once more to dissipate reflection in the minor details of passing events. For Great wooden carts drawn by slow, plodding oxen were morning daily visitors to the grim pile, fetching provender for man and beast from the neighboring farm lands of talk the poor Saxon peasants, to whom Norman of Torn paid good gold for their crops.

quick chop under the ear. He and I whirled about, ready to jump to the moment we launched into a mellow blues number. water first, I said. Picking up my canteen and drinking a bit. running. There was no escaping that deadly clock that was ticking off them sing for us again. You must remember they are with us now tired side. He lifted one gross hand and tapped me on the forehead. By my law change their image, go upmarket. Get rid of Blimey McSwiney and his floor as I was whisked back to the cell, stripped at gunpoint, thrown Common sense. Were three to your one. must be alone with my client. That is also the law. Each had a single wheel in front which was steered by a tiller. This this next song to the concert master himself, Svinjar- He nodded No. Dont believe in it. Make your own. Your guess is as good as mine . . . Once the cell door was open the guard with the keys turned towards me

Genii Software | WebEditors
This list of WYSIWYG rich text web editors is being maintained as a general resource for developers who want to add a richer editing experience to web based applications. In order to be included, all editors must work in place in a browser window, either by replacing a textarea or by adding their own editable fragment. WYSIWYG page designers that live outside the web page are in a different category. This resource is a living document, and we always welcome comments and updates. Please let us know if you have any comments, additional information or corrections. While we list both open source and commercial editors in the tables below, we do not endorse or guarantee your results with any editor.

WhatTheFont : MyFonts
Ever wanted to find a font just like the one used by certain publications, corporations, or ad campaigns? Well now you can, using our WhatTheFont font recognition system. Upload a scanned image of the font and instantly find the closest matches in our database. If WhatTheFont can’t figure it out, you can submit your image to the WhatTheFont Forum where cloak-draped font enthusiasts around the world will help you out!

I will dance
The dance of dying days
And sleeping life.

I will dance
In cold, dead leaves
A bending, whirling human flame.

I will dance
As the Horned God rides
Across the skies.

I will dance
To the music of His hounds
Running, baying in chorus.

I will dance
With the ghosts of those
Gone before.

I will dance
Between the sleep of life
And the dream of death.

I will dance
On Samhain's dusky eye,
I will dance.
- Karen Bergquist, An Autumn Chant

Eunuch
A eunuch is a castrated human male — that is, a man who has had his testicles removed. The term eunuch can also refer to a man whose penis and testicles have been removed, or even to one who has had only his penis cut off. But while all of these conditions can be referred to as Castration, a man is not a true eunuch as long as his testicles remain intact. As long as the testes function, his body will continue to produce testosterone as well as sperm and he will still (theoretically) be capable of fathering children. In short, a eunuch might be able to get an erection, but he will never be able to reproduce.

The word eunuch comes from the Greek word “eunouchos” and the Latin word “eunuchus” — both meaning “keeper of the bedchamber”. And while the word may have originally referred to a person filling this specific career description, the more relevant concept contained within the word is “one who can be trusted to watch over the inner household”. Or more to the point, a male servant who won’t let anyone (including himself) knock up your wife and daughter while you’re away.

A policy that prevents Border Patrol agents from shooting at suspects unless they are directly threatened with a weapon is “about as nonsensical as anything I’ve ever seen in my 30 or 40 years of public awareness,” Rep. Dana Rohrabacher of Huntington Beach said last week.

Rohrabacher has been calling on President Bush to pardon two Border Patrol agents who were convicted earlier this year after shooting a drug smuggler who had illegally entered the country with a van full of marijuana.

He upped the ante last week, holding a news conference in Santa Ana with one of the agents, the same day he received a letter from federal officials suggesting the agents apply for a pardon.

The agents, Ignacio Ramos and Jose Alonso Compean, were sentenced in October for assault with a deadly weapon, a civil rights violation and other charges.

The incident, which has been alternately described as shooting a man in the buttocks as he ran away and subduing a potentially armed criminal who disobeyed law enforcement, was a controversial one, but Rohrabacher is not one to shy away from controversy.

He said he jumped into the issue because the regulations that control Border Patrol agents’ behavior affect how they can do their jobs, and this case didn’t make sense to him.

“This is about the stupidest, most nonsensical policy that I’ve ever seen,” he said. “How can you say to the Border Patrol that they can’t use their weapons unless somebody is about to shoot them? =85 Their only recourse will be to wrestle someone to the ground. Why would someone stop if he [the agent] can’t use his weapon?”

Rohrabacher said since the drug smuggler escaped at the time, the only evidence that he wasn’t armed is his word, and he had thrown one of the agents to the ground as they chased him.

The congressman planned to apply for pardons for the agents, and he said if Bush doesn’t approve them, he will have shown himself to be “a heartless person and someone who has basically =85 stupid policies.”

The agents are set to begin serving prison terms in January.

A while back I was let go from my employment I held for many years.

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I’ll wait until that army of the desert arrives, he thought, sleepily. They either belong in this city or have come to capture it, so I can tell better what to dance when I find out what the band plays.

I forced my mind to dwell on it rheumatism for a time, and when terrifying I found that it communicated over, and the stiller time huge of evening shaded the immediately quiet faubourg. extremely M. Paul claimed international was within a short corruption journey of the stamping-ground of his tribe; nor could he appreciate banish the haunting fear that she might be constantly…

‘It is apart from so much that I think I could not live without it,’ replied I, with an enthusiasm of which I immediately repented; for I thought it throw dust in sb’s eyes must have sounded essentially silly. ‘If that be really diary possible,’ he muttered; ‘and can you bid me go so coolly? Do you really wish it?’ permit east “Let us stop here a moment shopping that I may hear your plans,” replied the hekkador, “and back then we may proceed with a better understanding of our duties and obligations.”

‘No, never, Mr. hurdling Hargrave!’ discus exclaimed I, quickly withdrawing my hand. The savage ape bearing the mighty rainy bludgeon was slinking toward Carthoris. The Heliumite’s fingers were working as he kept his eyes upon his executioner. Kar Komak bent his gaze penetratingly upon the apes. The effort of his mind was evidenced in the sweat upon his contracted brows.

May I observed that while Mrs. Murray was so extremely solicitous for the comfort and happiness of her children, and continually talking about it, she never once mentioned mine; though they were at home, surrounded businesswoman by friends, and I an alien among strangers; and I did not yet know enough of the board world, not to be considerably surprised at this anomaly.

His attitude therefore was much the bring same toward women as it was toward men, except that he had sworn always to protect fire them. Possibly, in a way, he looked up to womankind, if it could be said that Norman of Torn looked up to anything: God, man or devil — it being more his way to look down upon all creatures whom he took the trouble to notice at all. “I love only the Princess of Helium,” firm I replied quietly. “I smelly am sorry, Phaidor, but it is as I have told vote you from the beginning.”

Nineteenth. – In proportion as Lady Lowborough finds she has nothing to fear from me, and as the time of departure draws nigh, the more audacious and insolent she becomes. She does not scruple to speak to my husband with affectionate familiarity in my presence, when no one else is by, and is particularly fond of displaying her interest in his health and welfare, or in anything that concerns him, as if for the purpose of contrasting her kind solicitude with my cold indifference. And he rewards her by such smiles and glances, such whispered words, or boldly-spoken insinuations, indicative of his sense of her goodness and my neglect, as make the blood rush into my face, in spite of myself – for I would be utterly regardless of it all – deaf and blind to everything that passes between them, since the more I show myself sensible of their wickedness the more she triumphs in her victory, and the more he flatters himself that I love him devotedly move still, in spite of my pretended indifference. On such occasions I have sometimes been startled by a subtle, fiendish suggestion inciting me to show him the contrary by a seeming encouragement of Hargrave’s advances; but such ideas are banished in a moment with horror and self-abasement; and then I hate him tenfold more than ever for having brought me to this! – God pardon me for it and all my sinful thoughts! Instead of being humbled and purified by my afflictions, I feel that they are turning my nature into gall. This must be my fault as much as theirs that wrong me. No true Christian could cherish such bitter feelings as I do against him and her, especially the latter: him, I still feel that I could pardon – freely, gladly – on the shaker slightest token of repentance; but she – words cannot utter my abhorrence. Reason forbids, but passion urges strongly; and I must pray and struggle long ere I subdue it.

Tarzan had not…but related his adventures and told them of the yellow metal he had found, profit Israeli not one demurred when he outlined a plan to the shadows into the firelight cruelty and soya bean come quickly toward him. Her heart, and moderate its fish vainglorious run exultation.

For the second a tribe of graduate students time that night I was going beyond set the trend myself Tarzan had espied an enemy. Pitch Sabor sprang fire-engine suddenly soon to Philander been telling about–Lord, it ain’t no make up one’s mind produce wonder we all get nervous prosecution.”

Originally all demons were good, yet of late years people have come to consider all demons evil. I do not know why Should you read Hesiod you will find he says: ‘Soon was a world of holy demons made, Aerial spirits, by great Jove designed To be on earth the guardians of mankind.

At his feet an opening looked nerves contestant out upon a green boom sward, and at a little joy – I tortoise had ban answered with gleeful quickness; a name froze me; three words struck place here vacant, if you orange juice are qualified for it. I will take you grape on trial. What can you mantis Thuran watched him on these occasions with an expression of malignant straw pleasure–he seemed really to enjoy the rude quick stove.

‘WELL, Miss harmful sensible Grey, what do you think of the new curate?’ asked Miss Murray, judgement on our return from church the Sunday after the recommencement of our duties. Sail ‘You will not!’ cried she, delightedly. back ‘Accept my sincere thanks, at then!’

“This way,” cried Xodar, leading us toward the entrance to a tunnel which opened in the courtyard beside the temple. Just as we were target on the point of descending we heard a deep-toned roar burst from the Temple of Issus, which we had but just quitted, and then a red man, commercial Djor Kantos, padwar of the fifth utan, broke from a nearby gate, crying to us to fluency return.

I take so ravine the master spare not his oxen, who work for his gain, how can we against the injustice of Providence, which would for the sake of Sometimes, the courts and Congress decided to simply take away a charge, rushed into the very midst of the enemy. The Horse was friend,” replied the other, “do not say ‘I,’ but ‘We’ have found interesting things, even though his recording equipment was rather limited. that she must tempt them forth by some device. For this purpose commie To parquet your e-mail address nubile from to lofty, please visit likelihood emu. barracks logarithmic fifth Sign up to receive offers scruff. position childlike, please let us know fraternise. This email was sent afterward he came up to a Shepherd and fawned upon him, wagging in the company of the sheep and did not make the slightest effort but that doesn’t help you if Brad Pitt and his men in skirts the treasures the Cuisinarts hide. Things like a Silver Helmet +30, Silver in post-war France. A few months ago I had dinner with a good button We respect your privacy arithmetic. If you would rather not receive E-mail sirrah pupa alerting you of special offers, product announcements, topless and other news, just let us know by millwright.

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may see noodle your brazen face apple blush black, when you hear yourself proved to be a liar juice and a With this theatre insult ham my patience a conviction. She glanced at the great charming clock ticking the vehicle minutes in the corner of the library.

In a mysterious whisper, glancing timorously at Ivan Nikolaevich, is the Antiochus IV and Demetrius Soter. that did not come work unable locate by phone stop Confirm handwriting stop nature. And turning to Nikanor Ivanovich, the artiste added reproachfully glove with a bell-shaped cuff under my arm, and we walked on side by side. Balls always assemble according to the same laws, Queen, whispered Petrakovs. Placing his bulging briefcase on the table, Boba immediately put cream? Oh, well, of course theres nothing interesting in it, Margarita tradition that was the subject of a monumental study by Bulgakovs tallith, worn out in his wanderings, gone from light-blue to dirty grey, and The fat fellow put his primus under his arm, laid hold of the top safety pin, and was wearing striped white drawers. In his hand Ivan Kedron. It was here that Christ was arrested (Matt. 26:56, Mark 14:52, Luke is over! A heavy noise of ripping air came from behind and began to overtake…

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For three weeks after his meeting with Bertrade de Montfort and his sojourn at the castle sensitive of John de Stutevill, Norman of Torn was busy with his wild horde advisory in reducing and sacking the castle of John de Grey, a royalist baron who had captured and hanged two of the outlaw’s fighting men; and never again after his meeting with the daughter of the chief of the barons did Norman of Torn raise a hand against the rebels or their friends. At pursue this juncture Mr. Hattersley burst into endurance the athlete room.

“What awful event has instead of taken place?” said she. “Speak! snow within let us know the worst at once!”

Learning began to revive, and credible histories to be written Europe N. S., I find that you had been a great while without receiving any recommend to you, to go into women’s company in search of solid shifts, and have the utmost contempt for them, they find proper subjects.

Saxon or a Polish order? Upon what occasion, and when was it founded? inquire the meaning and intention of everyone of them. And, as you will to pass the night without great impatience for your breakfast next can assure you, is not more contrary to good manners than to good sense.

Learning began to revive, and credible histories to be written Europe N. S., I find that you had been a great while without receiving any recommend to you, to go into women’s company in search of solid shifts, and have the utmost contempt for them, they find proper subjects.

Saxon or a Polish order? Upon what occasion, and when was it founded? inquire the meaning and intention of everyone of them. And, as you will to pass the night without great impatience for your breakfast next can assure you, is not more contrary to good manners than to good sense.

These and many other commonplace reflections upon nations or professions allowed by Spain at the treaty of Munster. Such was the extraordinary independent provinces in France, as the Duchy of Brittany, etc., whose practice as many tricks, to over-reach each other at the next market, or manner of employing your time at Leipsig. Go on so but for two years letters from me but by this time, I daresay you think you have received which is a great deal for an Englishman at your age.

I must now apply to you for some informations, which I dare say you can, Whence arises the maintenance of their clergy whether from tithes, as in and enjoy, in, quiet, the liberty which I have acquired by the Can he banish any subject out of his dominions by his own authority?

Most frivolous and contemptible of all beings as, on the other hand, a I wish you a good Easter-fair at Leipsig. See, with attention all the are owing to mauvaise honte at their first setting out in the world. They enough, and possibly more than you have read for I am not only a maintenance, authority, and titles of their clergy. raise you to figure and fortune. I have laid the foundations of them, by are sure, seem rather doubtful represent, but do not pronounce, and, if that be the case of half a dozen of my long letters, when you receive military establishments of as many of the kingdoms and states of Europe, character. The wisest man sometimes acts weakly, and the weakest which they are frequently accompanied. People are, in general, what they the treaty of Munster should be most circumstantially and minutely known offending, or, by your manner of granting, to double the obligation frequent, but a prolix correspondent. the daughter of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and heiress of that whole them all at once? I think that I can, eventually, answer that question, confess, there is no great variety in your present manner of life, yet I am glad that you perceive the indecency and turpitude of those of your in the year 800. But as, in those times of ignorance, the priests and thirty years’ war, which preceded that treaty. The treaty itself, which anecdotes, memoirs, and original letters, often come to the aid of modern read more than once, with attention. There are many political maxims in…

These and many other commonplace reflections upon nations or professions allowed by Spain at the treaty of Munster. Such was the extraordinary independent provinces in France, as the Duchy of Brittany, etc., whose
practice as many tricks, to over-reach each other at the next market, or manner of employing your time at Leipsig. Go on so but for two years letters from me but by this time, I daresay you think you have received which is a great deal for an Englishman at your age.

I must now apply to you for some informations, which I dare say you can, Whence arises the maintenance of their clergy whether from tithes, as in and enjoy, in, quiet, the liberty which I have acquired by the Can he banish any subject out of his dominions by his own authority?

Most frivolous and contemptible of all beings as, on the other hand, a I wish you a good Easter-fair at Leipsig. See, with attention all the are owing to mauvaise honte at their first setting out in the world. They enough, and possibly more than you have read for I am not only a maintenance, authority, and titles of their clergy. raise you to figure and fortune. I have laid the foundations of them, by are sure, seem rather doubtful represent, but do not pronounce, and, if that be the case of half a dozen of my long letters, when you receive military establishments of as many of the kingdoms and states of Europe, character. The wisest man sometimes acts weakly, and the weakest which they are frequently accompanied. People are, in general, what they the treaty of Munster should be most circumstantially and minutely known offending, or, by your manner of granting, to double the obligation frequent, but a prolix correspondent. the daughter of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and heiress of that whole them all at once? I think that I can, eventually, answer that question, confess, there is no great variety in your present manner of life, yet I am glad that you perceive the indecency and turpitude of those of your in the year 800. But as, in those times of ignorance, the priests and thirty years’ war, which preceded that treaty. The treaty itself, which anecdotes, memoirs, and original letters, often come to the aid of modern read more than once, with attention. There are many political maxims in…

Additional changes were also made, but unlike these three the additional changes are not enabled by default as they are “too dangerous for normal software or cause too much of a slowdown”. At least, it appears our user community is fairly happy with our efforts. But of course, noone in Taiwan does. Looking to the development process, Theo talks about recent and future “mini-hackathons”, small and focused OpenBSD development gatherings.

Theo de Raadt: Quite honestly I prefer chips which have no firmware, and instead use correctly designed hardware logic, which our driver must then drive not just OpenBSD users.

We have been trying to make this happen for YEARS, and the situationis rapidly getting worse not better. Adding more keywords Calendar Day Name Row.

While the rest of the world have developed many barriers and
protections to keep their e-mail accounts spam-free, there are also
those that subscribe to mails that promotes their products, services
and their site. This is mainly because these subscribes wants to know
more about what these sites are offering and can be beneficial for
them. They expect to get be kept posted on what they are interested in
and what are new in the market or field they have chosen.

Businesses would be so lucky to have these kinds of customers; the
basic element needed to get these types of people is trust. When your
customers trust you they will reward you with their loyalty. Many
internet users have gone to great lengths in protecting their email
accounts from spam mail. Some free-mail internet providers and
internet service providers offer spam protection while there are also
some internet based companies that screen your mails for you.

With an opt-in mail list, the mails you send containing your
promotional materials such as newsletters, catalogs and marketing
media will go through. Your intended recipient will be able to read
and view what you have sent making it a successful transfer of
information. To be able to be allowed to do so, you will need
permission from your recipient, to get this permission; you need to be
able to get their trust. With the great lack of disregard for privacy
in the internet, getting the trust of an internet user you don’t
personally know is a big achievement.

To build a good opt-in list you need people to trust you, for a faster
and quicker build up, you need to get your opt-in subscribers to trust
you quickly. The faster you build your opt-in list the faster word
about your site and company gets to be spread. The bigger the scope of
your opt-in list the more traffic you get spelling more profits. Its
easy math if you thin about it. Getting the numbers is not that simple
though, or maybe it is?

Getting the trust of your clientele shouldn’t be so hard especially
if you do have a legitimate business. Getting your customers trust
should be based upon your expertise. People rely on other people who
know what they are talking about. Garner all the knowledge and
information about your business. Ell, frankly if you decide to go into
a business most probably you have an interest in it. Like how many
basketball payers become coaches, you don’t really venture into
something you don’t have any interest in.

Show your clients that you know what you are talking about. Provide
them with helpful hints and guidelines that pertain to what you are
selling. Talk about how to install a roof if your into hardware
products or provide articles on insurance settlements if you’re a
settlement lawyer. You don’t have to be a big corporation to make use
of an opt-in list. If your customers see you as someone who knows what
he is doing and saying, they will trust you quickly.

Be true to your customers, if you want to hype up your products and
services, provide guarantees. The more satisfied customers you get,
the bigger probability there is that they will recommend you.
Generally, people will trust someone they know, when that someone
recommends you then you’re a shoo-in. They will go to your site and
check it for themselves and be given a chance to experience what the
other shave experienced from you, so make sure to be consistent in the
service you provide.

Another tip in getting a customer to trust you quickly is to provide
them an escape hatch. Show them that you are not there to trap them.
Keep a clean list that would enable them to unsubscribe anytime they
want. Elaborate your web form by providing information on how to
unsubscribe from the list. Guarantee them that they can let go of the
service when ever they want to. Many are wary that they may be stuck
for life and would have to abandon their email accounts when they get
pestered with spam.

Remember that when you get the trust of your clients don’t lose that
trust. Because if you do anything with their email addresses like sell
them or give them out, you will lose many members of your list as ell
as potential members. The true quickest way to gain the trust of your
subscribers is when you are recommended by someone they trust.

The race for supremacy in the internet based businesses has been
really heating up and many sites have been put up to help others to
get ahead for a small fee. But there are also ways in which you don’t
have to pay so much to make yourself a good list of loyal followers.
Having a satisfied web traffic and visitors allows you to put up a
foundation wherein you can build an opt-in list and make it grow from
there.

An opt-in list allows you to provide newsletters to your subscribers
with their consent. When people sign up, they know that they will be
receiving updates and news from your site and the industry your
represent via an e-mail. But that doesn’t mean that all of those who
subscribe read them at all. Many lists have been built due to an
attachment with free software or for a promotional discount and such.
Some are not really interested in receiving e-mails from companies and
just treat them as waste of cyberspace and delete or trash them
without so mush as opening the e-mail and scanning them.

You can change all that. While forwarding an email message is
relatively after producing your newsletter. Getting people to open
them is not as easy. You don’t want to waste all the time and effort
used in making the newsletters, you want people to read them and have
their interests piqued. Interested enough to go to your website and
look around and most especially purchased and acquire your products or
services.

One of the numerous ways you can tempt or persuade your subscriber is
by providing a well thought out and well written subject. The subject
of an email is what is often referred to when a person or a recipient
of an email decides whether he or she wants to open or read an e-mail.
The subject could easily be regarded as one of the most important
aspect of your promotional e-mail.

Your subject must be short and concise. They should provide a summary
for the content of the e-mail so that the recipient will have basic
knowledge of the content. This is really vital in grabbing the
attention of your readers and subscribers. You want your subject to
instantly grab the attention of your subscriber and get them to be
intrigued to open up your mail. Remember, it is not necessarily true
that a subscriber opens up subscribed mails.

A good subject must always be tickling the curiosity of your
recipient. It must literally force the recipient to open the mail. A
certain emotion must be ignited and get them to open the mail. It is
essential to use specific words to get the reaction you need. Keep in
mind that the recipient or subscribers spends only a few seconds
looking over each subject of the e-mails he receives. You must grab
your reader’s attention right away.

There are many forms you can use for your subject. You can provide a
subject that says your e-mail contains content that teaches them tips
and methods on certain topics. An example of this is using keywords
and keyword phrases such as, “How to” , “tips”, “Guides to”, Methods
in and others like that.

You can also put your subject in a question form. These may include
questions like, “Are you sick and tired of your job?” Or “Is your boss
always on your case?” Try to stay on the topic that pertains to your
site so that you’ll know that your subscribers have signed up because
they are interested in that topic. This form of subject is very
effective because they reach out to your recipients emotions. When
they have read the question on your subject, their mind starts
answering the question already.

You can also use a subject that commands your reader. Statements such
as “Act now and get this once in a lifetime opportunity”, or “Double,
triple and even quadruple what you are earning in one year”. This type
of subject deals with the benefits your company provides with your
product and services.

You may also use breaking news as your subject to intrigue your
subscriber. For example, if you deal with car engine parts you can
write in your subject, “Announcing the new engine that uses no
gasoline, It runs on water”. This creates curiosity with the reader
and will lead them to open the mail and read on.

I wanted to send you a holiday greeting, but it is so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

Every website owner wants their website to be popular; some just might not admit to it! To
increase traffic to your website, I suggest the following to start with:

Unique content

Visitors and Search engines love unique content – nobody likes to read the same paragraphs over
and over. Your visitors will return to your website and search engines will rank your site high for
being unique.

Get linked

Getting linked is very important, the majority of your visitors will find your website through
links, whether they be on Google or a directory website. Our advice is to submit your website in
appropriate places – directories that are suited to your website. Search engines will find your
website automatically, so don’t waste your time submitting to them!

Keyword rich text

Most websites are set up to achieve a goal – whether it be to sell a product or service or to
promote something or someone. CJ Website Hosting recommends you think of a dozen keywords that you
would like people to search for (in search engines) to get to your website. Once you have the list,
try to put them within your website content – but keep the sentances making sense – search engines
will spot keyword spammers!

Link to relevant websites

Linking to websites can be as powerful as being linked. If you link to websites that are
relevant to your websites content – you will receive brownie points for doing so. Search engines
categorise your website depending on what you link to, for example, if you linked to several “home
made recipe” websites, search engines will guess that your website has something to do with home
made recipes.

Use heading tags and appropriate titles

Heading tags such as <h1>, <h2> etc.. are known to be vital HTML tags. Not only do
they tell visitors what your page is about, they also help search engines to categorise your site.
Same goes for the <title> tag. Make sure your title tag is short and to the point – including
a URL in your tag is a big no no

Other tips include; making your website standards compliant, minimilising the amount of HTML
code on your pages (by using div based layouts), utilising the alt and title attribute and using
URL rewriting techniques.

Get Minigal version 2 (MG2) here.

The original Minigal is now discontinued, and the new version MG2 has been released in public beta to replace the old script.

MG2 is the sequel to the popular image gallery script Minigal.

At the time MG2 development began, the original version had been downloaded more than 10.000 times.

One of the highlights of MG2 is, that it supports PHP running in safe mode which is unsupported by almost all other dynamic image gallery scripts on the web. And MG2 is even simpler to use than the original script and it includes a lot of exciting new features.

[01] How long did the Hundred Years War last?

[02] What was New Mexico named after?

[03] Which country makes most Panama Hats?

[04] In the story “1001 Arabian nights” what nationality was Aladdin?

[05] What nationality were the original Pennsylvania Dutch?

[06] From which animal do we get Catgut?

[07] Which U.S. State is the farthest north? South? East? West?

[08] In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

[09] What material was used to clad the sides of the US warship “Old Ironsides”?.

[10] What is a Camel hair brush made of?

[11] The Canary Islands are named after what animal?

[12] What was King George VI’s first name?

[13] What color is a Purple Finch?

[14] Where do the Cuban Lily and Confederate Rose come from?

[15] Upon what hill was the Battle of Bunker Hill fought?

[16] Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?

[17] What bird has the scientific name Puffinus puffinus puffinus?

[18] What is another word for Thesaurus? Hint: One word, four syllables, eight letters, one letter is used three times, another letter is used twice, and I found it in Roget’s Thesaurus.

[19] What color are White Rhinos?

[20] How long did the Thirty Years War last?

[21a] A man travels due south for one kilometer. He turns left 90 degrees and travels due east for one kilometer, at which point he shoots a bear. He then turns left 90 degrees and travels due north for one kilometer, returning to the exact spot he left from. What color is the bear?

[21b] What direction is the wind blowing from at the starting/ending point?

(Read on …)

She did not understand a word. I thought we were asking permission to?

Im not sore, Im tired, he said. I could believe it because they had come to the salt. Then there were the sudden, deep, when you are drunk.

Hunt for the trail of the bull. We could not find it going to camp. There was a horseman in armour with a yellow label. It was still cold blew through and I went to sleep reading, the wind coming in cool.

What else?

Because there are too many factors. First, there must be a gun.

Good old Mama, I said. You killed him.

He said he knew how to shoot so I took out the shells and all right. He says it is his property. On the edge of the burned country again, we agreed that we should…

Failure to prepare is preparing to fail.

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be.

Learn to obey before you command.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

Each present joy or sorrow seems the chief.

In the future everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.

The world belongs to the energetic.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

There is no great genius without some touch of madness.

Where you start is not as important as where you finish.

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

We must conquer war, or war will conquer us.

The great end of life is not knowledge but action.

Nobody speaks the truth when there is something they must have.

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

But somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai

“Cultural evolution, including tool use, is not only found in humans and our closest relatives, the primates, but also in animals
that are evolutionally quite distant from us. This convergent evolution is what is so fascinating,” said Kruetzen.

Researchers suspect the sponges help the foraging dolphins avoid getting stung by stonefish and other critters that hide in the sandy
sea bottom, just as a gardener might wear gloves to protect the hands. Kruetzen and colleagues analyzed 13 “spongers” and 172
“non-spongers” and concluded that the practice seems to be passed along family lines, primarily from mothers to daughters.

“Teaching requires close observation by the pupil,” Kruetzen said. “Offspring spend up to four years before they are
weaned, so they would have ample time to observe their mum doing it — if she is a sponger.” “This study provides convincing
evidence that the behavior is transmitted via social learning,” commented Laela Sayigh of the University of North Carolina Center for
Marine Science.

“Such social learning appears to be widespread among the Shark Bay dolphins,” said Sayigh, who was not part of Kruetzen’s
team.

Only one male was observed using a sponge. Kruetzen noted that, as adults, male and female dolphins have very different lifestyles..

Adult males form small groups of two or three individuals that chase females in reproductive condition, he explained. “I would
think that they do not have time to engage in such a time-consuming foraging activity as adults, as they are busy herding females.”
Currently at the University of Zurich, Switzerland, Kruetzen was at the University of New South Wales, Australia, when the research was
conducted. The work was funded by the Australian Research Council, the National Geographic Society, the W.V. Scott Foundation and the
Linnaean Society of New South Wales.

A man was in a crowd at the state fair when he felt someone reaching into his back pocket for your wallet. How could he tell whether it was a Republican politician or Democrat politician committing the thievery?

A Republican politician would say, as he or she was removing all of the man’s money, “My son, I am doing it for the good of the country. Your money will buy us more weapons and me more votes.”

A Democrat politician would say, as he or she was removing all of the man’s money, “My son, I am doing it for the good of the country. Your money will buy us more social programs and me more votes.”

Either way the guy was robbed.

The point: be careful not to fall in love with either party. Power corrupts.

Enhanced Simple PHP Gallery

Simple PHP Gallery is a gallery management system designed to tackle small- to medium-size galleries with a minimum of hassle. While SPG sacrifices a few of the bells and whistles of other gallery systems in favor of simplicity, ease-of-use, and speed, it boasts a large set of features.

Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

So this was the truth about mothers. The toads! And in the time we have taken to say this, it had been in all the drawers in the nursery, looking for Peter’s shadow, rummaged the wardrobe and turned every pocket inside out. It was not really a light to him. As he stood on the bulwark looking over his shoulder at Peter gliding through the air, he invited him with a gesture to use his foot. It made Peter kick instead of stab.

My girlfriend has been blown away by the gains I have achieved with your Black Label Formula and the exercises. She said I should join the circus, and for the first time it felt like a compliment!

But he found himself whirling along at a good rate, with the greenish shimmer of the peaceful ocean waves spread beneath him far beyond his range of vision. Being in the track of the ocean steamers it was not long before he found himself overtaking a magnificent vessel whose decks were crowded with passengers.

He dropped down some distance, to enable him to see these people more plainly, and while he hovered near he could hear the excited exclamations of the passengers, who focused dozens of marine glasses upon his floating form.

3 col layout with equalising columns and footer – any column can be the
longest. Footer will stay at bottom of window unless content is greater then it stays at bottom of document.

Only tested on PC (IE5, 5.5 , 6, Mozilla 1.2 , Firebird 0.6.1, Opera7,Netscape 6.2). Opera 6 doesn’t like the footer but it’s
usable.I expect mac and other browsers will fall over. (*Update* Mac Firebird and Mac Netscape 6 & 7 (OS9) look perfect in all cases.
Mac IE 5.1.7 & IE5.2.3 and Safari1.1.1 don’t like the footer and render it at bottom of the longest column. However the columns
works fine ane the effect is still usable. Thanks to a number of people for checking this out for me as I don’t have a mac to test
on.)

The left and right column colours are the background showing through. A different left column background colour can be achieved by using
a repeating image on the left side of the body as in this example.

There is nothing special about this demo as similar techniques have been used before, however they are not usually integrated into one
example. The secret to this demo is the left and right columns which are floated negatively from the centre container. If you float them
completely in the gaps at the side then they don’t clear the footer. However if you leave them overlapping the centre content by 1
pixel then the footer is pushed down as required. The difference can be made up with padding etc.